Persona 4: The Crackers that Bind
by Valeria Novak
Summary: A day in the life of our beloved blonde haired delinquent.


Afterschool at School

The day was just like any other, wake up, go to school, and stand in the hallway of the practice room waiting for Senpai/going to Junes/TV world/eating crackers. The day was just another day in the life of one blonde haired junior; Kanji Tatsumi.

Today, however, was to be a different day for the blonde boy, with the simple purchase of a box of animal crackers. Every day after school had finished and when there was no TV exploration to be had, the boy would walk home alone, each time thinking of either one of two things: his classmate and crush; Naoto and the other love of his life; Animal Crackers.

The sun set on the town of Inaba, students walked home together or alone, chatting loudly and laughing, holding hands or confessing love. A certain group today had chosen to make today another ordinary day, the Leader had taken the day off to increase his harem, and so Kanji walked alone.

South Central Shopping District

Passing through the central shopping district he stopped at the corner shop to acquire his favourite treat.

'That's 300 Yen, Kanji-chan' the old woman smiled

'I told you to stop calling me that' Kanji grumbled handing over his pocket change and walked out of the store

'Be nice to your Mother now, Kanji-chan' the woman waved cheerfully as he groaned again at the female suffix

'Everyone always treating me like some chick' he mumbled to himself fiddling with the cracker box 'at least I've still got you' he says delighted taking a delicious bite out of the first cracker. He decided to take a moment and enjoy his box of crackers on a upside-down milk crate across from the Bulletin board, staring off into the sky and eating his crackers, inspecting each one before he eats, searching for that one Penguin cracker, the legendary cracker of legends.

'Tiger'

'Elephant'

'Giraffe'

'Hippo' he pauses 'tastes like Giraffe'

Kanji let out a sigh 'How do I get her to notice me more' he pulls another cracker out

'H-H-H-HOLY SALT AND SUGAR' he screamed in amazement at the cracker before him, the round body that curved up to the top and protruding beak. 'THE PENGUIN CRACKER' he let out a roar drawing the attention of the shopping district.

'THE HELL YOU ALL LOOKIN' AT?' Kanji quickly took command of the scene, sending everyone scuttling away. He chuckled to himself at the sight of the cracker before him 'This is it' he holds the penguin high above his head in triumph. Suddenly the world seemed to stop 'H-huh?' with a flash of bright light Kanji disappeared from Inaba, and reality.

They say in order to find oneself you must journey far and wide, across several dimensions of space time and realities to conquer your fears. In admission this may be a false declaration, however for our blonde haired protagonist he had crossed several dimensions, including ones made of spaghetti and another made of nightmares. With a scream and loud thud he had finally arrived at the destination.

'Greetings Bearer of the Penguin' a loud booming voice cheered from above

Kanji rubbed his head trying to null the brief pain 'Where am I, is this the TV world?' he looked around, he was definitely not somewhere. The plain around him was made entirely of white salt. He stared up at the voice before him: a giant Gorilla cracker, wearing a red crown encrusted with jewels and cape encrusted with said jewels, he held a jewel staff encrusted with gold. 'My dear boy I do not know of this "Tee Vee" but you are in CRACKERDOM and you my dear boy have won the great gift of being the first Bearer of the Penguin' he pointed his staff at the blonde hair on his head 'my you even have the hair prophesised by the Crackergods'

'Th-this ain't right I was supposed to win a life time supply of crackers' Kanji began to freak out at the surroundings, the sky was not blue but space with a gigantic purple nebula hovering over the land. 'My dear boy, you shall receive your reward but first you must help us' he pointed to the space behind him. Kanji turned to see an immense structure – so immense it was seen to be taller than itself – it reached into the very nebula above and seemed to contain its own gravity pulling the nebula toward it. It twisted and contorted the world around it, seeming to take no actual identity and gave you no pause to even begin to describe the words you would use to describe it.

'Y-you're kidding right?' Kanji sweats trying to understand the structure before him

'My dear boys, in the CRACKERDOM, jokes are punished with death. So no I am not kidding' the Gorilla Monarch's face was dead crackers serious.

'So you want me to destroy it?' Kanji asks, his heart pausing its beat in fear of the answer

'GOOD CRACKERS NO MY DEAR BOY' the Gorilla Monarch seemed startled but with a big grin on his face 'that is my castle – I call it Crackerus – you see my dear boy: During my time as Emperor of CRACKERDOM a group of rebel crackers believed in this strange notion that "All Crackers are Equal" Could you believe that?' the Emperor of CRACKERDOM let out an immense laugh at the notion

'Y-yes it is strange' Kanji laughs nervously 'S-so you want me to go get rid of 'em? Don't you have an army to do this?'

'My dear boy, crackers cannot kill one another that is just barbarism. But you CAN you possess the great ability to eat the rebels, do not care for them though they are simple Proletarian Hippo and Giraffe crackers' the Emperor of CRACKERDOM seemed to understand the insanity of the situation almost flawlessly 'and if this is done, you shall be rewarded with an endless box of Animal Crackers, as well as ONE WISH from me that shall be fulfilled in your world. So are we in agreement or shall I have you salted to death?'

The deal was fare, the reward was great, Kanji was still hungry 'DEAL' he said 'wait how do I get in?'

'By this' the Emperor hit Kanji over the head with the staff and he blacked out.

Cracker Hour

'Ugh' Kanji ughed 'Why don't they just show me the door for once?' Kanji stared at the enormous structure he was now within, the walls seemed to pulse and twist with black energy and staircases would lead to nowhere and in every direction 'Man I really wish the other guys where here' he mumbled dusting himself off and looking around further 'Now… Which way is up?'

'I won't show you which way is up BUT I WILL SHOW YOU WHICH WAY TO DIIIIIE' a voice roared amongst the abyss before slamming into the ground

'BRING IT CRACKERBOY' Kanji shouted into the dust with furious fury

From the dust came a mammoth of an Elephant cracker charging toward Kanji, its tusks squared right for his blonde head, with a swift dodge he moved beneath the elephant. In between the legs he took a huge chomp of the leg, chewing the salty cracker in between his teeth.

'MY LEEEEG YOU BASTARD' the Elephant screamed in pain as it collapsed and slid across the floor 'YOU'LL PAY'

'SHUT YOUR HOLE CRACKER AND BRACE FOR EAT-PACT' Kanji screamed back diving mouth first into the elephant's belly. Ripping through the cracker skin he planted himself in the guts of the Elephant, eating it in half and consuming the entirety of its cracker organs and bones all the while the Elephant screeched in horror as it was eaten alive.

With the crumbs lying across the floor Kanji gloated 'These crackers are small time' suddenly he noticed the floor beneath him moving up toward what appeared the top. The floor moved at such a speed that it glued Kanji to the floor 'WHAT THE SHIIIIIIIIII-' he screamed through the speed then with a just as sudden jerk the floor slammed to a stop. Sending Kanji flying metres into the air and plummeting back down to the floor, somehow he remained unharmed by the solid floor beneath him 'Th-that hurt' he mumbled into the floor after landing on his nose.

'So I guess I just keep fighting these Cracker chumps and the floor moves, alright then NO WHERE ARE YOU HIDING CHUMPS COME OUT NOW AND GET PUMMELED' Kanji shouted into the darkness after discovering the plot.

Meanwhile the group of Cracker Separatists hid in the shadows discussing their plan of attack on Kanji.

'Jesus man he just ate Kyle, I mean holy cracker, I'm not taking him next screw that' the Parrot cracker freaked

'Man we gotta fight him one at a time, that's how this weird fucking story works' Gorilla cracker sighed at the stupidity of the workings of Crackerus

'Why are we even in this place? Let's just surrender and maybe he'll just shoot to the top and kill the boss. Then we'll be off free' Dolphin cracker pleaded

'Hey that's a good idea I don't wanna wend up like Kyle' Parrot cracker nodded

'Yeah alright' Gorilla cracker nodded, slightly worried

'Alright it's settled we go out and surrender ourselves to this crazy dude and then let him kill the boss' Parrot cracker formed the plan. The trio all jumped out of the shadows and declared themselves to Kanji.

'H-hey man-' said the Parrot cracker

'THERE YOU ARE PREPARE FOR PAIN' Kanji ignored all of them and ripped them apart. Snapping off Gorilla crackers arms and beating the parrot to death with the left while knocking out dolphin cracker with a whack in the nose. 'YOU GONNA GET YOUR ASS SALTED' Kanji roared eating the dolphin and spitting the salty blood into gorillas eyes. Kanji gave no pause in consuming and mutilating the unfortunate crackers.

'Man I sure love animal crackers' he sighed to himself resting his hand on his slightly bulged belly and sitting amongst the massacred crumbs of the trio. The floor then began to accelerate at rapid speed, shooting straight for the top at ludicrous speed the skin of Kanji's face began to ripple and looked as if it was melting right off his face.

Again after a few intense seconds and face melting the floor slammed to an instant halt, and again sending Kanji hurdling into the stratosphere. After a few more intense seconds of falling back to earth CRACKERDOM floor Kanji looked around to see he had reached the top, and in record time it had only been twenty minutes at most since he didn't have to make turn based attacks in this world 'Man real time combat rocks' he cheered.

'So you defeated my Cracker Guards and Kyle' a voice behind a large red office chair announced

'SHOW YOURSELF CRACKER' Kanji demanded at the chair

'I shall…' the voice paused (awkwardly) 'NOW' he turned around in his chair, the Penguin President they called him. He had expected to have a debate over Kanji's purpose and him being a pawn to the king only to find that he was talking to Kanji Tatsumi, which meant Kanji had already leapt at the chair and was now in the process of ripping the President's cracker insides out from his screaming body 'WE COULD HAVE RULED TOGETHER' he cried as Kanji ate him alive.

Time passes

'So then I tell her that she can go and have an abortion cuz I ain't paying for no punk ass cracker' the Gorilla Emperor discusses royal matters with his Bro over a bottle of Crack Daniels

'Yo Emperor dude! I cleared out all those punks from Crackerus or whatever' Kanji shouts as he returns with the mutilated crumbs of the Penguin President, Cracker Guards and not Kyle.

'Huh? Oh yeah that, here's your eternal box of Animal crackers, now what was that wish you wanted?' the Emperor asked tossing the box at Kanji

'Really anything, with no catch and I know exactly what I'll get?' Kanji seemed slightly nervous at the proposal of free wish

'My dear boy do you think I would do such a thing, I have no reason to betray you now, I mean I saw what you did to Kyle that shit was insane' the Emperor's voice was sincere as it was salty

'Alright, I want to be able to express my feelings honestly to Naoto' Kanji requests with a slight blush across his face

'Gay ass wish' the Emperor's Bro remarks making them both snigger

'Hey shut up and give me my wish jerkoffs' Kanji snaps back at the two

'Alrighty then' the Emperor says after laughing, and with a wave of his staff and some sparkly dust he had granted the wish and returned Kanji to his own time… Land.

North Central Shopping District

'H-huh?' Kanji's eyes slowly escape the blackness and reveal the shopping district, the street lights lit up the darkened district 'a dream?' Kanji noticed the box in his hand, he hesitantly opened them and stuck his hand in as deep as possible 'WHOA that means'

'Oh, Kanji-kun' a familiar voice from the dark presents itself

'N-Naoto-san' Kanji begins to blush, then, remembering his wish 'N-Naoto, I want to say that I really like. I love you. I love your blue hair and cute hat, the way you look flat chested but really have a D cup, and most of all; the way you look like a dude but are really a girl so it doesn't make me gay' Kanji confessed openly to his crush with a proud roar.

Naoto blushed at the proposal, then laughed 'Oh Kanji, you know you're not the protagonist of the main story, I'm in love with Senpai remember' she chuckled and proceeded to skip happily off into the darkness 'Bye Kanji-kun~' she waved back cheerfully then disappeared.

Kanji was crushed, he really should have made the wish to make Naoto love him instead of confess his feelings. But he still had one thing that no amount of swag could take away 'I've still got you endless cracker box' Kanji sobbed as he slowly walked back home in the dark.

THE END


End file.
